This is what it’s like when I try to meditate

Okay, everyone is in bed, I am going to do a guided, loving kindness meditation.

Get comfortable, press play. “And now, bring to mind a good friend and offer them these phrases – may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be free from suffering.” Okay, I’ve got this. This is nice. Door bursts open “Mom! I don’t feel good, can you get me some pepto?” Yes dear. Here you go. Have a glass of water too. Are you feeling better? These are the kinds of things you just have to ride out. Try to go to sleep.

Okay, get comfortable, press play. “And now, bring to mind a neutral person. You may not know this person well, but you can imagine they want to be happy and to be content.” Door bursts open “where is the electrical tape?” I’m not sure. Have you checked your tool box?

Okay. Now it’s bedtime, I’m going to switch to my sleep hypnosis meditation with my voice crush, Greg. Get comfortable, press play.

Greg: Welcome to this guided meditation to help you fall asleep.

Me: Damn you Greg and that hypnotic voice. Are you married? Do you hypnotise your partner? That’s kind of creepy.

Greg: This recording will help you clear your mind, and wash away your anxieties, and fall into a deep and peaceful sleep.

Me: Whatever, I don’t believe in hypnosis. It doesn’t work on me.

Greg: Stay with my voice. If your mind wanders, just return to my voice.

Me: Don’t worry, I can’t escape your beautiful, mesmerizing voice, Greg.

Greg: Let gravity draw your body into your mattress.

Me: I need to remember to order the groceries. My body feels like melting butter. How is he doing this?

Greg: Imagine a healing light over your head. It will clear away your stress and negativity.

Me: Bullshit. There’s no such thing as a healing light . . . oh crap, it’s kind of working. This is weird.

Greg: Imagine the light clearing away the negative thoughts and the stress. Focus on that. And feel sleepier and sleepier.

Letting go.

Letting go.

Letting go.

Letting go.

Letting go.

Me: Is there a hole in my mattress? I am a pool of marshmallow cream draining to the floor.

Greg: Now imagine you are in a field of wildflowers. If your mind wanders, take your thought, put it in your hand, and let the wind blow it away.

Me: This is stupid. Wshhhhhh, Wshhhh . . .

Greg: I’m going to leave you now. I wish you sweet dreams.

Me: No Greg, don’t go. Zzzzz. Zzzzz.